Running
With Jesus : The Prayers of Malcolm Boyd by
Malcolm
Boyd
Malcolm Boyd illustrates his understanding of
the nature of prayer in this provocative collection. Sometimes his
prayers are startling, and sometimes they are raw—but they are
always fresh and sincere.
They will lead you toward an intimate
understanding of God—here and now. Some of the 135 prayers
collected here first appeared in Boyd’s groundbreaking and
bestselling book, Are You Running with Me, Jesus?, while others
are from Human like Me, Jesus. Many are new—just for this
volume.
You’ll resonate with Boyd as he exposes his
fears and failures, his joys and his love through these prayers.
Ten sections dealing with issues from gritty urban life to
sexuality and prayers of joy for simple pleasures help you find
prayers relevant to your own situation. Most of all, you’ll find
a model for expressing yourself—all of yourself—to God in new
ways. This is must-reading for anyone looking to broaden their
life of prayer.
Days and Nights of the Soul (pre-publication
version):
—I’m crying and shouting inside tonight,
Jesus, and I’m feeling completely alone. All the roots I thought
I had are gone. Everything in my life is in an upheaval. I am
amazed that I can maintain any composure when I’m feeling like
this.
The moment is all that matters; the present
moment is of supreme importance. I know this. Yet in the present I
feel dead. I want to anchor myself in the past and shed tears of
self-pity. When I look ahead tonight I can see only futility,
pain, and death. I am only a rotting body, a vessel of disease,
potentially a handful of ashes after I am burned.
But you call me tonight to love and
responsibility. You have a job for me to do. You make me look at
other persons whose needs make my self-pity a mockery and a
disgrace.
Jesus, I hear you. I know you. I feel your
presence strongly in this awful moment, and I thank you. Help me
onto my feet. Help me to get up.
—I’m nowhere, and I couldn’t care less.
It’s so still. Am I on the moon? Am I on the earth? Am I here at
all? But, if so, where?
I feel disengaged from life at this moment. Time
has stopped, and nothing matters. I have nowhere to hurry, no
place to go, no sensible goal. I might as well be dead.
I want to feel a breeze blow against my face, or
the hot sun warming me. I want to feel life, Jesus. Help me to
feel love or anger or laughter. Help me to care about life again.
I’m scared, Jesus. You’ve asked me to do
something I don’t think I can do. I’m sure I wouldn’t want
to do it except that you asked me.
But I don’t feel strong enough, and you know I
lack the courage I’d need. Why did you ask me to do this? It
seems to me that Jim could do this much, much more easily.
Remember, I told you I’m afraid to stand up and be criticized,
Jesus. I feel naked in front of everybody, and I can’t hide any
part of myself.
Why can’t I be quiet and have peace and be
left alone? I don’t see what good it will do for me to be
dragged out in front of everybody and do this for you. Don’t
misunderstand me. I’m not saying I won’t do it. I’m just
saying I don’t want to do it. I mean, how in the hell can I do
it?
You know me better than anybody does, but then
you go and ask me to do something crazy like this. I can’t
figure you out. I wish you’d just leave me alone today, but if
this is what you think is best, I’ll try. I’ll try. But I
don’t want to. Pray for me, Jesus.
—I know it sounds corny, Jesus, but I’m
lonely. I wasn’t going to get lonely anymore, and so I kept very
busy, telling myself I was serving you. But it’s getting dark
again, and I’m alone; honestly, Christ, I’m lonely as hell.
Why do I feel so sorry for myself? There’s no
reason why I should be. You’re with me, and I know it. I’ll be
with other people in a little while. I know some of them love me
very much in their own way, and I love some of them very much in
mine.
But I still feel so damned lonely right now, in
this minute that I’m living. I feel confused about how to get
through the next few hours. It’s silly, but I feel this way
because I’m threatened by me, and I wish I could get through to
you, clearly and with a kind of purity and integrity.
And yet, while I say this to you, I’ve been
unkind to certain people whom you also love, and I’ve added to
misunderstanding and confusion.
Take hold of me and connect me with other
people, Jesus. Give me patience and love so that I can listen when
I plug into these other lives. Help me to listen and listen and
listen . . and love by being quiet and serving, and being there.
You said there is perfect freedom in your
service, Jesus. Well, I don’t feel perfectly free. I don’t
feel free at all. I’m a captive to myself.
I do what I want. I have it all my own way.
There is no freedom at all for me in this, Jesus. Today I feel
like a slave bound in chains and branded by a hot iron because
I’m a captive to my own will and don’t give an honest damn
about you or your will.
You’re over there where I’m keeping you,
outside my real life. How can I go on being such a lousy
hypocrite? Come over here, where I don’t want you to come. Let
me quit playing this blasphemous game of religion with you. Help
me to let you be yourself in my life—so that I can be myself.
—The drinks are tranquilizing me. But even
while I’m being tranquilized, I don’t want to be.
I remember the cutting edge you lived on. You
didn’t get tranquilized. You went right on, and then you gave
back love. I seem to have run out of love, and I’m relating very
badly right now.
Don’t leave me alone, Christ, because I’ve
left you. I just want the easy way out, any way out at all, but
you know I really don’t. I hurt inside and wish I could tear
myself away.
Get me back on my own cutting edge. Help me to
put away the tranquilizers and just be myself with you and the
others you place with me.
Gay
Priest : An Inner Journey by
Malcolm Boyd, Paul
Moore Jr.
Aware that at least
thirty percent of the Catholic and Episcopal clergy is gay, Father
Boyd issues a challenge to the Christian churches, proclaiming the
absolute demands of spiritual honesty and compassion, and
revealing the rich insights the gay experience teaches about the
God of love.
